“You should write again” one of my soul sisters, Kristie, says to me wide-eyed and grinning while we sit in her living room.
We are sipping lukewarm coffee from mugs with the telltale two to three scum lines that note previous microwave heat ups. It’s another failed attempt at a peaceful playdate where we alternate between fragmented thoughts and disciplining our kids. As usual I’ve rolled up in stretched out sweatpants, mismatched shirt, questionably “earthy” scent and axel grease hair. Yeah, Kirstie is a “safe” friend.
“About what?” I say with eyebrows pinned.
“I don’t know…anything…everything…you are funny…people connect to you, women connect to you. God’s gifted you Kelly, you need to use it.”
“Ohhhhh kayyyyyy….thank you, but seriously about what? I like telling stories but I’m not sure how that warrants a blog again.”
“Just write.” she says with those big brown doe eyes looking back at me. That was that.
I think that conversation took place about two years ago.
So it’s taken time to figure out what to write about. I mean just what the world needs more of…BLOGS!!!! (eye roll) Isn’t this market a wee bit saturated? So I realized that if I were to dip my toe back into the ocean of blogs I needed to do it for one reason, because I love Jesus and I am truly excited at what I am learning. It’s not to be witty, accrue followers, be a decorating guru or parenting specialist because I am none of those things. I’m an imperfect woman living a very blessed life making TONS of mistakes but learning just how crazy, deeply, madly I am loved by the Father and he has asked ME to be a part of what he is doing in this world. I GET to do this thing called life WITH Jesus. THIS, now THIS gets me excited to write.
I used to blog several years ago when I first got married but closed up shop exactly five years ago. For those of you joining me back from those “Filtering Life” days you are CRAZY faithful and your check is in the mail.
There is no way to kick off this blog properly without a little back story, bear with me… not every entry will be this long and without photos but this is where my story unfolds. Consider this our first date, a proper handshake, awww….heck…I’m a hugger, get in here I’m sure I will fit perfectly in your armpit.
Around 2008 my blog following started creating great momentum as well as our photography business was also taking off LIKE THE CRAZY. ( I promise these are not humble brags…there is a true point to this) The two very measurable veins in my life were going well, getting their public kudos; I was SOMETHING I tell you. I mean just drop my name to somebody and see what it gets you…..NADA, ZIP, ZILCH. Kelly who? It doesn’t take long to inflate your own ego.
The irony of public success is that usually behind the scenes you tend to find a giant, fat mess. You see in any attempt to be GREAT…..the balance of life shifts to those branches. It’s like putting Miracle Grow on half a tree. Have you ever seen a tree grow lopsided? One or two branches getting fatter and heavier with growth while the other side grapples for some of the nutrients. What happens when the branches get too big on one side. The TREE SPLITS. This is NEVER not the case. This was MY reality.
As Kellan (our photography studio) was starting to get picked up on all the major wedding blogs and Filtering Life was growing exponentially on Google analytics……my marriage was withering on the tree of Kelly. My ability to juggle a toddler and infant who were cramping my blogging/photography style were causing me to be a miserable, impatient, STRESSED FREAK BALL. It was madness. We worked seven days a week and never went to bed before midnight. We always bought in to the lie that it would be worth it.
I slowly watched my husband and I drift farther and farther apart in less than three years of marriage. Granted there were other factors involved but when I look at my own part in this thing called “my life” I was trying to find my happiness, worth, and value in the social media arena to compensate for the fact my REAL life was falling apart.
Nothing in our society paints a greater false reality than social media. (soap box alert) Blog comments, Twitter followers, Facebook fanpage followers, Instagram followers, wedding blogs don’t share life with me, they don’t crawl in to bed with me at night, raise my children, pay my bills, pray with me, listen to my heart, etc….you get the picture. It is rubbish…..meaningless…futile. They are false lovers of the worst kind and I was deceived like a chubby girl buying the next diet fad….SENSA anyone? Just sayin…. been there.
And so the straw that broke the camels back came on November 21, 2008 when we lost our third baby to a miscarriage. A baby I didn’t even know was inside of me until it was too late. Chloe had turned two years old weeks before and Bennett was six months old and we just finished a wedding season of 28 weddings while Ryan worked a full time job…..a baby….AGAIN? How in the free world we did anything “marital” during that time is beyond me, not to mention I was about 10 weeks along when we lost the baby thats how distracted I was. We named this child Jory Lee “God will uplift and heal”. (a promise we DESPERATELY needed during that season)
That, my friend, is when the tree split…..right down the middle. That was when I saw the choice. We could splint our tree together and nurse it back to health, cut off those fat branches of my blog and our business….. or it was time to go our separate ways in life. I no longer had a husband/best friend. I had a roommate and quasi-business partner when we were speaking. We had created a life and family and it was fractured….badly. Now, more than ever, mourning the loss of our precious baby I NEEDED my husband. Jory was the wake up call we needed to see that if we kept up at this pace we were done. Its hard and it’s humbling to admit to one another that you have ROYALLY screwed things up and that we needed REAL help in our lives. Our attempts to be GREAT were really paying off were they not?
We needed help, we needed to learn a word that would save our marriage and our hearts….”NO”. We needed to buckle down and repair our tree. I needed to extract the two measurable things in my life that gave me a sense of “you are not wasting your day” and let them go. I’m a stay at home mom…..I get it. I’ve yet to have my kids give me the slow clap after I have wiped their butts, put away their laundry, clean up their toys for the billionth time that day or when I humbly bend over to clean up the spilled milk from the cereal bowl that was chucked across the table. Immeasurable servitude of the most thankless kind. Oh how I was missing out on what this season of my life was really about. There is so much precious in the hard.
Letting go of my blog and us TOTALLY cutting Kellan in half (our main source of income mind you!) was only the first step in obedience. It was like cutting off those big FAT branches so the trunk of the tree could stabilize and rest. We began marriage counseling with our pastor (GOD LOVE YA MARK!) and began working through the pain and hurt that we had caused each other. WE TOOK A MASSIVE leap of faith in our finances by cutting Kellan. We still had a tremendous amount of debt in our lives. We fought for our marriage, we put God first, our family next. We went against the grain of society that says when marriage gets hard, when you aren’t “feeling” love or loved then flash up your fingers in a giant peace sign and head out and try again elsewhere. Let me tell you, it was very tempting. (I am oversimplifying, there are many circumstances surrounding divorce)
You may have noticed the title of this blog, “The Good Trees”. Trees have always fascinated me. I don’t know why, I really don’t…I just think they are beautiful. I grew up in Michigan and upstate New York so I was blessed to always experience all four seasons. Trees seem to show the most tangible signs of each season. When we moved to our dream “fixer upper” a year and a half ago we got 2.5 acres of land. I’d say at least two of those acres are pines. Pines are my favorite. We also have a billion windows in our house (that my kids have beautifully decorated with their greasy fingers and sloppy tongues…not annoying in the least) I love that no matter where I am in my house I am looking at trees. They bring me peace.
In Matthew 7:17-19 it says:
So, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the diseased tree bears bad fruit. A healthy tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a diseased tree bear good fruit.Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire.
Hop on over to Matthew 12:33:
Either make the tree good and its fruit good, or make the tree bad and its fruit bad, for the tree is known by its fruit.
Can I ask you to read those few verses a second time. Can you count for me how many times the Lord uses the word “great”? If I am not mistaken in my counting….I mean I taught special ed math so I am decent at counting….the count would be ZERO. The word is GOOD. Let that word wash all over your mind and heart. It’s good to be good. Good produces good.
I am a self professed perfectionist. I have spent way to many DECADES in self loathing, self defeat, and bitter comparison with others. FOR WHAT???? Because I wasn’t the GREATEST that is why. Greatness is another one of our society’s big, fat lies. How dare you be good at your job, how dare you be a really good mom, wife, friend, sister. Is there anything wrong with “great”? Not in and of itself, but great is hard little bugger to steer. Great puts YOU at the front of YOU and before all others. I’ve decided if I am going to be GREAT at anything, then it is going to be at living, really living in the kingdom of God. Even then…what does the Bible say when we stand before the Lord at the end of our life? What do we want our Maker, our Creator to say to us? “Well done GOOD and faithful servant.” I WANT to bear good fruit in all areas of my life and I’ll be darned if I don’t want my husband and my children to also be bearers of good fruit. I am nearing 38 years old (this is the part where you gasp and say…really…I thought you were like 28 years old…..why thank you I say meekly with a tone of surprise) I feel 40 breathing it’s hot stinky air on my neck and all I can think is “Dear God…I’m JUST starting to get ‘it’, can’t life slow down? I have so much ground to make up for!!! WHY 40 WHY???? WHY oh why have I wasted so much of my life on myself. Ugh….” ( I may be dramatic at times and over use exclamation points. Deal with it!!!!!!!)
We will get in to that a lot more on this blog but I figure I owed you a solid after reading this novel entry to at least explain the title and premise.
You may notice there are four categories I will be blogging under. The good life, good family, good home and good marriage. This blog is about my life, my hobbies, my relationships and my family. I will never apologize that all areas of my life fall under submission (gasp…that word makes so many recoil…how narrow-minded of me….nah) of the Bible. I am a Christ follower…in that it’s a lifestyle baby. I don’t just go to church on a Sunday and check it off my religious duties. Every area of my life, marriage, home and family runs through the filter of Jesus and praise GOD I don’t have to go this life alone. Lord knows my twenties are enough to see that left to my own devices I ROYALLY and UTTERLY mess everything up.
I don’t plan on having regular features like “Tips Tuesday” or “Crafty Friday”. I don’t dare enslave my life to a blog ever again. You choose to come here and read and I pray that you are gracious in my blogging frequency and infrequency should I choose to take blogging breaks. I also need to make one big fat disclaimer. I HAVE ATROCIOUS grammar. I am sure you can see by now that I am a free flow writer. I think it, I write it. I have no clue if an apostrophe or God forbid a semicolon be needed. I hope you find it sweet and endearing instead of annoying and ignorant to which I am sure it is. But I will pretend you don’t secretly judge me.
Thank you all for starting this journey with me. I’m a feeler, your comments really do warm my heart and your vulnerability with me is so appreciated. I can’t promise I can acknowledge every comment but know that they are read and I am extremely empathetic. Your joys and your pains are FELT by me.
I also need to make three gigantic shout outs to the people that helped make this blog possible. First my extremely nerdy and devastatingly handsome husband who designed and programmed this blog. Second, the incredible artwork for my banner was custom painted by the crazy talented Jen Mancier of Tender Branch Studio (did you notice the trees representing our family? Even a little sprout for our sweet Jory) Finally the custom script was done by the amazing and oh so sweet and dear Kathleen Ostrom of Leen Jean Studio. Their links are at the bottom. Thank you all for taking my heart and aesthetic into your minds and hearts and making my blog look SO beautiful! I simply love it.
So I did it Kristie, I just wrote!!!!!!