It’s been awhile.
I’ve come to see that every time I actually write the proclamation: “I’m going to write more often”, its the exact time that the largest gaps in blogging happen. So I’m just gonna zip my lips on any future writing commitments.
So I just got back from Austin, Texas on Sunday. I was one of the lucky few that landed a coveted ticket to the conference, IF GATHERING, back in October when they took less than five minutes to sell out. It also meant that I was going to see one of my best friends in the universe, Dikola, who I hadn’t seen in over two years. She moved back to Houston last year and she also scored a ticket. God does good things ya’ll. He also knew what our February was going to look like and that I would need this trip/break more now then back in the fall.
This isn’t the post where I break down IF. Truth be told I am still road weary and digesting all that was spoken in a 12 hour span. Drinking from a firehose and digesting ten steaks takes some time!
Look how close we were to the stage for the first three hour session!!! Less than 15 feet away from these wonderful women of the word!
The only thing I’m going to touch on in this post is what stinking Bob Goff said. Yeah…stinking. He made me cry. BOB GOFF MADE ME CRY!!!! He literally was on stage for 12-15 mins with his adorable wife and in that tiny span of time he said some words strung together that formed an arrow that shot right to the quick of my heart. That place that God’s been gently showing me my ugliness.
That part we excuse.
That part we blame others for.
That part we harbor offense and resentment.
That part we say and do terribly awful selfish things from.
Yeah…he took his words arrow, drew it back, and shot it straight into my heart.
Look at him…. doesn’t he look mean?
I’m totally kidding, this man is one of the most joyful people I’ve ever encountered. Don’t get me started on his wife “Sweet” Maria. He literally calls her that…EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. That will either illicit eye rolls (you cynic) or tender sighs (you romantic). I find it endearing personally. Although if Ryan started calling me Sweet Kelly I would die laughing. There is one thing I have learned about myself. I am a very kind person but I am not “sweet”. I’ve met sweet people and I ain’t one of them. There is a difference.
So to the point. You want to know what he said? I mean this literally may do nothing for you but God has been kneading my heart for months and I have hidden like a coward behind my pride and not “dealt with it.”
Bob started talking about what it is to honor one another and in particular he and Sweet Maria talked about honoring each other in marriage and teaching the next generation (our children) to honor. Is your throat dry? Is it just me?
Then he comes out with it. I wanted him to take the question back immediately because he made me feel. Dagnabit…he made me cry. He said….(drumroll)
“What would it look like for you to become the next humblest version of yourself? What would that look like in your marriage, in your family, in your friendships?”
CAN YOU EVEN GET OVER HIS NERVE?????
What would Kelly 2.0 look like?
You mean the current one that is TOTALLY put out when her husband walks through the door excited to tell her something and I barely squeak out an acknowledgement of his presence, let alone grant eye contact and God forbid LISTEN to his words? It’s more like I irritatedly cut him off….bark out a few commands for him to please deal with “that” kid and could he PLEASE take his boots off and “Did you remember to call so and so or do this or that?”
I make it clear he has not done, been, or are enough for me right now. His presence is a mild to severe rock in my shoe and please deal with those three hellians we made because this chick is punching her time clock card. I’m donesies.
Once the kids go to bed I’m all…”Oh HEY…I remember you….you make me laugh, I’m crazy attracted you and I love being with you more than anyone in the world.” Except by then I’ve dealt out a heavy blow of sighs, snarky comments, rude behavior, or just flat out ignored. Not exactly greasing the wheels for a sweet night with Ryan.
I will say I married a gem. No matter how I treat him HE DOES NOT RESPOND IN THE SAME WAY. That actually made me cry typing it out. He’s not perfect but he is VERY gracious and loving to me. I don’t “deserve” it. It’s rather irritating sometimes but my word…what an unbalanced household we would have without him. To be fair to me I don’t always act this way but the scales are definitely tipped in the wrong direction.
Don’t even get me started on my mothering awesomeness. I swear my kids must think there are two moms at all times. One that is fun, laid back and approachable and the other a short tempered, bossy, rude, overwhelmed ogre. DO NOT APPROACH THE SLEEPING GIANT SHE WILL RIP YOUR HEAD OFF IN TWO SECONDS FLAT!!!
It’s bad guys. I am so ashamed of myself at night. Being a typical type A person I am going through my lists and assessments of my day when I lay down at night and there are times I just bawl because I know what a class A jerk I have been that day to those that are dearest to me. I know how much I have escaped through my phone or computer to another world, to people that don’t live in my four walls. BECAUSE THAT SOLVES EVERYTHING….escapism!
I don’t even know what comes over me. I am constantly at war with my mind, heart and spirit. I literally do that with which I hate. The collateral damage is my family.
Teach the next generation to honor? Gulp….
Honor your husband? Gulp….
I realize I struggle with self-absorption and entitlement. Oh those Siamese twin sins always go hand and hand. I wake up every day with an agenda. Because that’s what you do before kids and spouse. You decide what YOU want to do, when YOU want to do it with little to no regard for others because your kingdom hasn’t enlarged yet to include others you are personally responsible for. (I’m not accusing all singles as being selfish. Put your rocks down)
But man….YOU….doesn’t exist any more and EVERY DAY I am reminded of that. You’d think after a decade of marriage and over eight years of having children I would remember that. I wouldn’t be so “put out” by my agenda only getting 10% accomplished every day. But nope… I feel devastated that I got hardly anything “done”. My devastation turns into anger and resentment which I sling with easy at those around me. (Don’t you just want to be my friend? hahaha)
The endless servitude of motherhood and marriage is meant not to defeat and crush us but to refine us into Christ likeness. Christine Caine said this gem at IF “The believing life is not about “me” it’s about “us”. I will build MY church says Jesus. It is our only destiny to live all our days advancing the King and the kingdom.”
I’m missing it being stuck in my entitled mind, my angry heart and my brooding soul. I’m missing living humbly, with JOY in my service, discipling my children daily not just with words quickly spoken in rote fashion five minutes before they go to bed but with every moment of my day.
With humility I need to admit “Mommy was a JERK, I was WRONG, I am SORRY, I NEED Jesus’s forgiveness and grace, I need your grace and forgiveness (Chloe, Bennett, Rhett, Ryan…whomever I have hurt)”
Alright Stinking Bob Goff….I’m taking the challenge. By writing this publicly I am making a declaration of sorts aren’t I? I’ve outed my not so secret ugliness to spouse, children, family and friends. I don’t like Kelly 1.0 most of the time. She is outdated. Error messages pinging all day long.
To add a few more Chris Caine quotes: “If the horse is dead…dismount (oh snap) Get off, move on. Don’t hold on to what was. He is not the God of what was he is the God of I AM. Let go of the past in your present or you will never have a future.”
So I’m going to molt this Kelly 1.0 right here on this blog post. It’s vulnerable to make a declaration knowing full well it’s going to come with it’s setbacks and mistakes and yet….I KNOW this is that next area that Jesus is saying “It’s time Kelly…it’s time to grow up, woman up, and get out of your own way in serving me with your whole heart, mind and soul.”
Anyone else want to push their chips in to Stinking Bob Goff’s challenge?
Can I end with a few pictures that should make you smile? My “baby” turns four tomorrow. My sweet and sassy, clever and hilarious, ridiculously cute and charming boy is turning four. Rhett let me take him outside for about three minutes to snap a few photos of him before he declared that he was done. Can you even handle those Gollum eyes, dimples and lashes??? That kid could cure depression.