Archive of ‘The Good Marriage’ category

Kelly Two Point Oh

It’s been awhile.

I’ve come to see that every time I actually write the proclamation: “I’m going to write more often”, its the exact time that the largest gaps in blogging happen. So I’m just gonna zip my lips on any future writing commitments.

So I just got back from Austin, Texas on Sunday. I was one of the lucky few that landed a coveted ticket to the conference, IF GATHERING, back in October when they took less than five minutes to sell out. It also meant that I was going to see one of my best friends in the universe, Dikola, who I hadn’t seen in over two years. She moved back to Houston last year and she also scored a ticket. God does good things ya’ll. He also knew what our February was going to look like and that I would need this trip/break more now then back in the fall.

This isn’t the post where I break down IF. Truth be told I am still road weary and digesting all that was spoken in a 12 hour span. Drinking from a firehose and digesting ten steaks takes some time!

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Basically all I got to see of Austin...I wanted more.

Basically all I got to see of Austin…I wanted more.

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Look how close we were to the stage for the first three hour session!!! Less than 15 feet away from these wonderful women of the word!

View from my seat!  Blind luck that we were standing near a door they decided to open near where we were standing in line allowing us to be one of the first on the ground level.

View from my seat! Blind luck that we were standing near a door they decided to open near where we were standing in line allowing us to be one of the first on the ground level.

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The only thing I’m going to touch on in this post is what stinking Bob Goff said. Yeah…stinking. He made me cry. BOB GOFF MADE ME CRY!!!! He literally was on stage for 12-15 mins with his adorable wife and in that tiny span of time he said some words strung together that formed an arrow that shot right to the quick of my heart. That place that God’s been gently showing me my ugliness.

That part we excuse.
That part we blame others for.
That part we harbor offense and resentment.
That part we say and do terribly awful selfish things from.

Yeah…he took his words arrow, drew it back, and shot it straight into my heart.

Look at him…. doesn’t he look mean?

I’m totally kidding, this man is one of the most joyful people I’ve ever encountered. Don’t get me started on his wife “Sweet” Maria. He literally calls her that…EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. That will either illicit eye rolls (you cynic) or tender sighs (you romantic). I find it endearing personally. Although if Ryan started calling me Sweet Kelly I would die laughing. There is one thing I have learned about myself. I am a very kind person but I am not “sweet”. I’ve met sweet people and I ain’t one of them. There is a difference.

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So to the point. You want to know what he said? I mean this literally may do nothing for you but God has been kneading my heart for months and I have hidden like a coward behind my pride and not “dealt with it.”

Bob started talking about what it is to honor one another and in particular he and Sweet Maria talked about honoring each other in marriage and teaching the next generation (our children) to honor. Is your throat dry? Is it just me?

Then he comes out with it. I wanted him to take the question back immediately because he made me feel. Dagnabit…he made me cry. He said….(drumroll)

“What would it look like for you to become the next humblest version of yourself? What would that look like in your marriage, in your family, in your friendships?”

CAN YOU EVEN GET OVER HIS NERVE?????

What would Kelly 2.0 look like?

You mean the current one that is TOTALLY put out when her husband walks through the door excited to tell her something and I barely squeak out an acknowledgement of his presence, let alone grant eye contact and God forbid LISTEN to his words? It’s more like I irritatedly cut him off….bark out a few commands for him to please deal with “that” kid and could he PLEASE take his boots off and “Did you remember to call so and so or do this or that?”

I make it clear he has not done, been, or are enough for me right now. His presence is a mild to severe rock in my shoe and please deal with those three hellians we made because this chick is punching her time clock card. I’m donesies.

If I had the magical ability to fly I would have flown up and stolen one of these amazing lights.

If I had the magical ability to fly I would have flown up and stolen one of these amazing lights.

Once the kids go to bed I’m all…”Oh HEY…I remember you….you make me laugh, I’m crazy attracted you and I love being with you more than anyone in the world.” Except by then I’ve dealt out a heavy blow of sighs, snarky comments, rude behavior, or just flat out ignored. Not exactly greasing the wheels for a sweet night with Ryan.

I will say I married a gem. No matter how I treat him HE DOES NOT RESPOND IN THE SAME WAY. That actually made me cry typing it out. He’s not perfect but he is VERY gracious and loving to me. I don’t “deserve” it. It’s rather irritating sometimes but my word…what an unbalanced household we would have without him. To be fair to me I don’t always act this way but the scales are definitely tipped in the wrong direction.

Don’t even get me started on my mothering awesomeness. I swear my kids must think there are two moms at all times. One that is fun, laid back and approachable and the other a short tempered, bossy, rude, overwhelmed ogre. DO NOT APPROACH THE SLEEPING GIANT SHE WILL RIP YOUR HEAD OFF IN TWO SECONDS FLAT!!!

It’s bad guys. I am so ashamed of myself at night. Being a typical type A person I am going through my lists and assessments of my day when I lay down at night and there are times I just bawl because I know what a class A jerk I have been that day to those that are dearest to me. I know how much I have escaped through my phone or computer to another world, to people that don’t live in my four walls. BECAUSE THAT SOLVES EVERYTHING….escapism!

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I don’t even know what comes over me. I am constantly at war with my mind, heart and spirit. I literally do that with which I hate. The collateral damage is my family.

Teach the next generation to honor? Gulp….

Honor your husband? Gulp….

I realize I struggle with self-absorption and entitlement. Oh those Siamese twin sins always go hand and hand. I wake up every day with an agenda. Because that’s what you do before kids and spouse. You decide what YOU want to do, when YOU want to do it with little to no regard for others because your kingdom hasn’t enlarged yet to include others you are personally responsible for. (I’m not accusing all singles as being selfish. Put your rocks down)

But man….YOU….doesn’t exist any more and EVERY DAY I am reminded of that. You’d think after a decade of marriage and over eight years of having children I would remember that. I wouldn’t be so “put out” by my agenda only getting 10% accomplished every day. But nope… I feel devastated that I got hardly anything “done”. My devastation turns into anger and resentment which I sling with easy at those around me. (Don’t you just want to be my friend? hahaha)

The endless servitude of motherhood and marriage is meant not to defeat and crush us but to refine us into Christ likeness. Christine Caine said this gem at IF “The believing life is not about “me” it’s about “us”. I will build MY church says Jesus. It is our only destiny to live all our days advancing the King and the kingdom.”

I’m missing it being stuck in my entitled mind, my angry heart and my brooding soul. I’m missing living humbly, with JOY in my service, discipling my children daily not just with words quickly spoken in rote fashion five minutes before they go to bed but with every moment of my day.

With humility I need to admit “Mommy was a JERK, I was WRONG, I am SORRY, I NEED Jesus’s forgiveness and grace, I need your grace and forgiveness (Chloe, Bennett, Rhett, Ryan…whomever I have hurt)”

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Alright Stinking Bob Goff….I’m taking the challenge. By writing this publicly I am making a declaration of sorts aren’t I? I’ve outed my not so secret ugliness to spouse, children, family and friends. I don’t like Kelly 1.0 most of the time. She is outdated. Error messages pinging all day long.

To add a few more Chris Caine quotes: “If the horse is dead…dismount (oh snap) Get off, move on. Don’t hold on to what was. He is not the God of what was he is the God of I AM. Let go of the past in your present or you will never have a future.”

So I’m going to molt this Kelly 1.0 right here on this blog post. It’s vulnerable to make a declaration knowing full well it’s going to come with it’s setbacks and mistakes and yet….I KNOW this is that next area that Jesus is saying “It’s time Kelly…it’s time to grow up, woman up, and get out of your own way in serving me with your whole heart, mind and soul.”

Anyone else want to push their chips in to Stinking Bob Goff’s challenge?

Can I end with a few pictures that should make you smile? My “baby” turns four tomorrow. My sweet and sassy, clever and hilarious, ridiculously cute and charming boy is turning four. Rhett let me take him outside for about three minutes to snap a few photos of him before he declared that he was done. Can you even handle those Gollum eyes, dimples and lashes??? That kid could cure depression.

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The Upside Down Kingdom~ The Trilogy is Complete

If Peter Jackson can milk “The Hobbit” into three parts consider my pail almost full.

When I start writing I have a general idea of what I want to say, but until I actually get started and uncork my brain I don’t realize how much is bottled up inside me. Aren’t you thrilled for me to pop a cork on some more topics? I’m so very sure you are.

The message of God’s upside down kingdom is so life changing that I have a hard time not going on and on. It is the cornerstone of my theology and really the lens in which I see the meaning of this life and especially relationships. We have all been given charge of our own little kingdoms. My kingdom is called “Kelly” and in my kingdom things are extremely ordered, calm, quiet, everything has a place, everyone around me is like minded and witty, my world is esthetically pleasing, and I decide the order of my day.

But…

I birthed three kingdom Kelly destructors. Their unbridled kingdoms continually bump into and threaten to destroy my kingdom almost on a minute to minute basis. I have to tell myself each day that they don’t wake up setting out to thwart my kingdom, even though it feels that way. Alas, they seem to be armed with tiny little needles that continually poke holes into my air tank and slowly deplete me of all defenses. I’m fairly convinced they actually put together a plan of attack every morning around 6:15am. Now if I were managing my kingdom as God would run my kingdom of “Kelly” then I would counter these attacks and assaults with a mature, gracious, calm, loving and positive response. That is the goal each day…respond as Jesus would. Sometimes I am in the spirit, but truth be told 9 out of 10 times I seem to respond like a numb nut. 100% reactive. So I fail and try and fail and try and slowly I gain ground. I am not without hope. I’ve seen progress in me, be it ever so slowly.

Every day we encounter countless other kingdoms. The person driving 10 below the speed limit, the coffee barista that gets our order wrong. Let’s be honest. NOBODY gets my coffee wrong in my kingdom. The slow check out clerk. In my kingdom I get the shortest line, the most cash register savvy associate and heck, I even get an unexpected discount on something. But as we all know the reality is you tend to get the person in front of you that needs a price check or the “trainee” cashier that is beyond flustered or my favorite, the super chatty cashier that’s in NO hurry and hell bent on being your new BFF. Our patience and grace begins to get tiny little air holes. Tssssssssssssssssss……..the air hisses forth. Sure, we put on a nice fake smile the first time the cashier nervously glances at us or we humor the chatty cashiers first couple of personal questions… I mean, we are a Christians, and isn’t that what we do? Bless us! No, bless you! (wink and a nod)

Eventually, we shuffle our weight back and forth, maybe add a subtle sigh or make a show of looking at our watch. Passive aggressive is a much more noble road to take. We subconsciously set a magical time limit on our outer patience. Our kingdom can only take so many assaults, only so much air can be lost before we retaliate. I mean didn’t you know I only planned seven minutes for this quick milk and bread run? Don’t you know that I don’t care that you bought these same razors with a coupon last week when they were on sale? Don’t you know that you are taking precious time from my kingdom agenda? Don’t you know??? How we grossly misread people. How little grace and time we are willing to invest in others when we’ve set a different agenda.

True confession. I try to get up five times a week at 6:00 am to have a quiet time. (blows hot puff of air on the back of finger nails and rubs on shirt) Now, don’t be too impressed, it only took me 35 years before I committed to a regular quiet time. Remember my three little kingdom wreckers? We will protect their identities and call them “Shmoe, Kennett, and Zhett” so nobody will know who I am referring to. Well ever since we moved “Zhett” into a big boy bed and out of the crib he has turned our mornings upside down. He’s popped my little morning bubble and gotten the other two in on his scheme. He looks so irresistibly sweet right? Don’t let those giant eyeballs fool you. He’s a professional kingdom wrecker.

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Imagine me curled up in my favorite chair, white fuzzy blanket draped over my lap, sipping amazingly strong coffee in my favorite mug, the “Word” open. I’m in the zone. Above me I hear all the signs of “awakeness”. The noise machine goes off, little feet start milling around and sooner, rather than later, the first argument of the morning begins. God help us for the emotional, don’t back down boys we’ve been given. They love hard and fight hard and nary in the middle.

I calmly but firmly shout up the first warning from my chair. “Guys, find something to play with and don’t fight.” (we have a rule that no kids can come downstairs before 7:00am, we are tyrants, we know) Some mornings we might get another 10-15 mins before the next fight. Mostly, they seem to wake up with both fists in the air having their own kingdom clashes. In “Kennett’s” kingdom he should be able to wake up and play Legos in bed for awhile without a pesky little brother ruining EVERYTHING!!! Yeah Kennett, do me a solid and maybe your brother will do one for you!

Next thing I know I have read the same verse 10 times because Im getting drawn into their arguments. My blood pressure is pulsing through my temples at a rapid rate and now I am full fledged screaming from my “spiritual chair” all sorts of crazy threats and punishments while trying to separate fights from a floor away. The sleeves roll up, I slap the Bible down and stomp louder than I need to go upstairs and start regulating.

“MOMMY IS TRYING TO SPEND TIME WITH JESUS!!!!!!!”

I’m probably scarring them for life. They can tell their therapist some day how every time their mommy read her Bible she got angry. Oh man, sad but true. So, a little glance into our “perfect” family. A kingdom reaction fail on my part. I know this is a phase with the kids getting up so early and I’m sure in a blinks time we will be dragging them out of bed and yelling at them for sleeping too late but for now….we are struggling people and they have us bested most of the time. I will say, the other morning alternative is them all lined up on the staircase with their faces poking through the rungs staring at us all horror movie creepy like. It’s alarming to be silently stared at while you read the Bible.

Where am I going with this? Good question. This is the “wrap up” post, right? I am going to put this topic to rest today. I talked about Spiritual disciplines and how those brought me and continue to bring me into a much deeper and richer relationship with Jesus. They also laid the foundation for me to understand Christ’s greatest message of the kingdom and how it is here and NOW and we choose to live it out or not. We can stagnate each day depending on if we decide to hold the reigns of our life, or hand them to Jesus. Through His transforming power we are able to continue to move forward and mature in the kingdom, love others more than ourselves and take ordinary opportunities and turn them into extraordinary moments. Life in the kingdom is so good, but beware….it will change you. I talked about missions, and in particular Mexico and Cuirim House. It is such a perfect picture of how simple it is to live like Christ. To love the unlovely, the marginalized, the invisible of the world. At first all you’re thinking is “Look what I will do for you” but what you don’t see, because it’s so sneaky, is that YOU are the one that gets changed and blessed. You are the one transforming through this process of loving others more.

The men and the women I was blessed to rub shoulders with over my week in Mexico left me awestruck. I know people get all enamored with celebrities and athletes. They study them and look up to them and for the life of me I don’t know why. They aren’t “heroes” like I would define a hero worth emulating. Let me show you some giants of the faith.

They serve and serve and serve and serve some more, for the joy set before them. I was so blessed to spend a few days of my life ministering along side of them.

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This is the kids cafe.
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Oscar and Ana's church

Oscar and Ana’s church

Finally this is Carlos. I want to write a whole post on him, his story. He deserves a book about his life. He has overcome alcoholism, their family was homeless, and about 18 months ago they buried their only son, David, who died of cancer at age seven. This family has known the bondage of addiction, the fear of homelessness and unemployment, the joy of coming to Christ and the devastating loss of a child. They so fiercely cling to Christ regardless of circumstances. They claim God’s goodness and are dedicated to serving the unlovely of the world. They do this with JOY in their hearts. Their three daughters are passionate followers of Jesus. Carlos is HILARIOUS!! Seriously, if you are funny, you have my heart. Cuirim wouldn’t be the same without Carlos and his family.
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On our final night at Cuirim a “restaurant” was set up in the upper chapel to serve Brian and Kirsten, Oscar and Ana, and Celiaa and Carlos. A formal dinner. Afterwards our team prayed over them individually. Finally, Carlos brought the thunder with his prayer. It was powerful and extremely emotional. I couldn’t understand what he was saying but there is no mistaking passion, conviction and urgency. The wives of these men were weeping. This is one of those moments in my life I will never be able to recreate and I do not know why the Lord allowed me the privilege. It is a frozen moment of awe to be singing “Be Thou My vision” in a Celtic Monastic chapel in the center of a slum, while laying hands on the matriarchs and patriarchs of the gospel of Nogales. My hand is on the shoulder of a hero.

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I just attended the “IF GATHERING“. It was so incredible and encouraging. There were approximately 12 speakers. One of my favorites was Jen Hatmaker. She spoke about the transforming power of “mercy” when you open your life up to extending mercy. She also ended with this simple but perfect illustration. We’ve all been given an instrument to play in this life. Mine is different from yours, yours from mine. It’s made up of our gifts, talents, passions, burdens, life story, spheres of influence, unique family compositions and calling God has put on us. You DO have a calling and a ministry whether you have a “title” attached to it or not. Nobody is exempt from service in God’s kingdom. She called these our “instruments”. If you play your note and I play mine, and she plays hers, and he plays his, and on and on we play our notes…we will make up the song of the kingdom. We will be the ones changing the world together in our Judea’s, Samaria’s and beyond…. BUT YOU HAVE TO PLAY YOUR INSTRUMENT. Too many of us live in fear, bondage, uncertainty. We clutch our instruments with an iron clad grip, we don’t eve attempt to even puff a feeble breath of air into it. We live life seemingly “safe” and controlled, yet sadder in complete selfishness. I’m learning to blow harder into my instrument, to make my note storm the gates of heaven for the lives of those around me. Will you play with me? Will you play your note next to mine? Will you manage your kingdom like Jesus would and love others more? Are you willing to live differently?

The Upside Down Kingdom- Part Two

Hey you’re back! Great!!! It’s me, the one trying desperately to be succinct in her writing. I mean the topic on the table is THE KINGDOM OF GOD. If Dallas Willard needs 288 pages in his book to explain it I may be justified in having monster posts. Even then, I am just hitting the high points.

We are talking about Christ’s greatest message preached in his three years of active ministry. Parable after parable, sermon after sermon, proclamation after proclamation “The kingdom of God is like this….”. He talked about the kingdom of God being here…like now…not 2000 years from now…but NOW. With him and through him we have the ability to live in reality of the kingdom of God. It is available through relationship with Jesus regardless of your circumstances. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN or better yet does it mean what I think it means???

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Seriously, I am no theologian. People start using big $5.00 words and my eyes glaze over and carnival music plays in my ears. I’m not dumb but my brain does not compute a lot of what I hear explained and debated. I’m highly visual and kinesthetic. My faith has always been rooted in my experiences. I KNOW them to be true and real and unshakable but I’m pretty sure Peter meant what he said in I Peter 3:15 “But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect” I had the revering down, not so much the giving an answer part. And so I continue to muddle through my learning on how to articulate kingdom living.

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The prevailing thought of Jesus’s day (and really nothing has changed much) is that those that had wealth, power, beauty, health….well those people were obviously “blessed” and God’s favor rested on them. They had the finger on the pulse of God and he lavished them with good and abundant blessing because of it. The thing with Jesus and his upside down kingdom is when he stepped into the Synagogue or stood on a mountainside the proverbial record scratched. In one of his most famous messages, more commonly known as The Beatitudes or Sermon on the Mount, he drops an atomic bomb on the status quo of that day. (Matthew 5)

3 Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called children of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,

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“There is no human situation that excludes one from being blessed in Jesus. The world and its evaluation of who wins and who loses will not have the final say. In Jesus, God has the last word. These pronouncements of grace. announce that:
those who have little or no hope,
those who appear to have little to offer to the world,
those who are on the fringes of society (and religious society in particular),
those who live in ways that the world considers weak, unproductive, and unsuccessful,
those who are considered the “losers”
God’s blessings may be yours in Jesus! No human condition, no matter how hopeless it may appear, no matter how despised by the world, no matter how “unsuccessful” or insignificant others may deem it, disqualifies anyone from God’s grace in Christ. Those who follow Jesus may participate in that new creation reality now, no matter what their present condition. God’s grace is available to all. All are welcome. All may come. The blessings are here for you in Jesus.
The only thing that transforms us spiritually is the action of following Christ. You seek to follow, you fail and you learn. But in order to engage in following, you have to have a clear understanding of life in the kingdom of God; that you are accepted by the grace of God in Jesus and that lays the foundation for as much true doctrine as you can manage and as much manifestation of the Spirit as you can stand.”

THAT is the kingdom message. That is the reality we can live out of. THAT is the welcome mat to our freedom.

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Now I may be showing images from our Mexico trip last summer but these words ring true not just for those obvious suffers of our world, the invisible and the marginalized. Christ came to FREE THE CAPTIVES, that excludes no one.

That’s you, the one that’s addicted, the one with the secret wound that paralyzes them in fear and unforgiveness, you who are wealthy and deeply unsatisfied, you who are starving yourself or purging food in a desperate attempt to control or be thin, you who are SO busy you stay in a constant state of numbness to your pain, you who are sipping your $4.00 coffee judging everyone in the coffee shop, you…you who are despairing about your future, agonizing about your past, you are racked with jealous, pain, and emptiness. You who are tired and the thought that nobody knows your pain is crushing and defeating you. The kingdom of God is here, it is available. This is good news. This was my good news many years ago. It’s still my good news as I break free from other areas of bondage.

For so long because of the types of churches I grew up in and the university I attended, by no fault of their own I promise you, I understood the words of “service” and “ministry” to define only those that were up front leading, in charge of things or perhaps overseas as a missionary. THOSE are the people in ministry, serving in the kingdom. The rest of us…well we are NOT doing ministry. We are helpers of sorts to those doing the real thing. It kept me in a very “us and them” place in the body of Christ. I kept thinking that until someone would slap a title on to what I was doing and it had a clear classification endorsed by a church or organization. I wasn’t doing ministry in the kingdom. How sad for me. How I missed it.

So living in the reality of the kingdom means that when we begin our relationship with Jesus we allow him to rule and reign in our life. This is the process that allows us to make changes that conform us into his image in thought, action and deed. He taught us how to live this new life by the way he lived His life on earth. The expectation is that we would do these things because that’s how we become more like Christ. Well that makes living in the kingdom very simple. Do the things that Jesus did because Christ dwells in you and has giving you the power to accomplish these things and knowledge of how to do them. Do we all agree that Christ lived by one rule and one rule only. Love others more. LOVE them. JUST STINKING LOVE THEM! This is not rocket science. This is not hard. It just takes you setting aside YOU.

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“Then they themselves also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry, or thirsty, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not take care of You?’Then He will answer them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.’

This is why Ryan and I went back to Cuirim House in Nogales, Mexico along with part of our small group. This post would be a novel if I took the time to explain what Cuirum House is and the BRILLIANCE of Brian and Kirsten Donohue to start this ministry in the slums of Nogales, Mexico. Cuirim is gaelic for “incarnation”. This is a VERY incarnational ministry. Brian is one the the first true mentors in my life since 1995. His life message to everyone who comes to work at Cuirim and to the people of Nogales is the kingdom message of Christ. They LIVE it out every single day in the most basic and simple acts of love and giving. Cuirim is a tiny plot of land in the hillsides of Nogales in the forgotten slums where squatters come to try and stay alive and usually never leave. Cuirim is a beacon of light on the hill.

Brian and Kirsten Donohue singing together before chapel at Cuirim House

Brian and Kirsten Donohue singing together before chapel at Cuirim House

I can sit here and tell you what all the Americans did when they came to poor, 3rd world Mexico. We did do those simple kingdom acts that Jesus says “do in MY name.” Part of me can get snarky because I’m protective of this ministry. I don’t want it to come across like “look at these noble acts us Americans did for one week of our life.” I also don’t want to take away from the fact that the BEAUTY of Cuirim is that you see how BARE BONES kingdom work is and how insanely impactful it can be. WE did help multiply the efforts of Cuirim while we were there but as much as we gave the receiving was ten fold.

We fed the hungry.

Kids Cafe feeding over 100 kids EVERY day and sharing the gospel.

Kids Cafe feeding over 100 kids EVERY day and sharing the good news of the kingdom.

We played with children who are barely looked at and touched let alone played with. The abuse level is astounding in the slums. Unemployment and alcoholism rule the households there. The kids are left to wander the streets most days, many of them put in charge of tiny babies.

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Kids Cafe

Kids Cafe

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We had the honor of helping one family dignify their home by coming and painting the interior and exterior of their three bedroom shack. Don’t ever call yourself “poor” because you can’t go to full priced movies or eat out every weekend. You don’t know poor. If you are reading this entry on a computer or smart phone. You aren’t poor. You just aren’t. This woman, Charo, allowed us to come in her home, move her precious belongings and paint. WHAT BLESSED ME TO THE POINT OF TEARS is when I looked outside and saw her sitting there fanning her newborn reading her Bible out loud to him. Periodically, she would look up and flash us a huge smile and say “gracias”. Thanking me? Oh no, this was my blessing. Her kitchen is an “after” shot. We were told that the blessing of having a home that is painted on the inside is so they can spot scorpions and centipedes so they won’t get stung. It’s just scrap wood and plywood houses but some how that fresh paint made it look pretty. You could see her joy and pride about her home. Just took a few of us a few hours.

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Charo's house

Charo’s house

One of my favorite things that Ryan and I got to do was offer a simple gift. A portrait. We have been praying about how we can use our photography for more eternal purposes and not for profit. You never realize what a luxury a photo can be. Everyone seems to have smart phones or digital cameras at their disposal and pop off more photos than you could ever begin to use. A photo is a record or time. Many of these families left all their belongings and traveled to the border to try and cross and never made it. They have no images of their children, nothing to pass on, no record of time or place. It was too simple not to do it.

Ryan took our Instax to the Kids Cafe one day to take polaroids of the kids. You would have thought we gave them a sack of gold. They were going crazy when they realized this white rectangle we handed them turned into an image of them within 60 seconds. It was precious. I only wish we had thousands of rolls of film to shoot.

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We also began wandering around with a translator door to door to see if anyone would want a family photo. People were leery at first but over a few days we started to see them come around and agree to let us photograph them. One family held up their finger for us to wait while one of the men ran into the house and out he came carrying the matriarch of the family. They told us she was 100 years old. WHAT AN HONOR to photograph her and her family. Multiple generations together.

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I can hardly stand to look at this next image Ryan grabbed because it makes me well up. The joy when people see their picture on the back of the screen. She told her best friend after she saw this image “Girl we look good!” How sweet is that?

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That was not a sacrifice and therefore we want no kudos. It was a super easy and obvious way we could be a blessing and give something from the resources we have been given.

GOD BLESS you if you are still reading. Would you believe it if I were to say there is a Part 3? Well there is. I know, I know…put a sock in it Kelly but I just can’t. I need to bring this back around and that will happen next.

Here we go….

“You should write again” one of my soul sisters, Kristie, says to me wide-eyed and grinning while we sit in her living room.

We are sipping lukewarm coffee from mugs with the telltale two to three scum lines that note previous microwave heat ups. It’s another failed attempt at a peaceful playdate where we alternate between fragmented thoughts and disciplining our kids. As usual I’ve rolled up in stretched out sweatpants, mismatched shirt, questionably “earthy” scent and axel grease hair. Yeah, Kirstie is a “safe” friend.

“About what?” I say with eyebrows pinned.

“I don’t know…anything…everything…you are funny…people connect to you, women connect to you. God’s gifted you Kelly, you need to use it.”

“Ohhhhh kayyyyyy….thank you, but seriously about what? I like telling stories but I’m not sure how that warrants a blog again.”

“Just write.” she says with those big brown doe eyes looking back at me. That was that.

I think that conversation took place about two years ago.

“Just write”

“About what?”

So it’s taken time to figure out what to write about. I mean just what the world needs more of…BLOGS!!!! (eye roll) Isn’t this market a wee bit saturated? So I realized that if I were to dip my toe back into the ocean of blogs I needed to do it for one reason, because I love Jesus and I am truly excited at what I am learning. It’s not to be witty, accrue followers, be a decorating guru or parenting specialist because I am none of those things. I’m an imperfect woman living a very blessed life making TONS of mistakes but learning just how crazy, deeply, madly I am loved by the Father and he has asked ME to be a part of what he is doing in this world. I GET to do this thing called life WITH Jesus. THIS, now THIS gets me excited to write.

I used to blog several years ago when I first got married but closed up shop exactly five years ago. For those of you joining me back from those “Filtering Life” days you are CRAZY faithful and your check is in the mail.

There is no way to kick off this blog properly without a little back story, bear with me… not every entry will be this long and without photos but this is where my story unfolds. Consider this our first date, a proper handshake, awww….heck…I’m a hugger, get in here I’m sure I will fit perfectly in your armpit.

Around 2008 my blog following started creating great momentum as well as our photography business was also taking off LIKE THE CRAZY. ( I promise these are not humble brags…there is a true point to this) The two very measurable veins in my life were going well, getting their public kudos; I was SOMETHING I tell you. I mean just drop my name to somebody and see what it gets you…..NADA, ZIP, ZILCH. Kelly who? It doesn’t take long to inflate your own ego.

The irony of public success is that usually behind the scenes you tend to find a giant, fat mess. You see in any attempt to be GREAT…..the balance of life shifts to those branches. It’s like putting Miracle Grow on half a tree. Have you ever seen a tree grow lopsided? One or two branches getting fatter and heavier with growth while the other side grapples for some of the nutrients. What happens when the branches get too big on one side. The TREE SPLITS. This is NEVER not the case. This was MY reality.

Half-dead-tree

As Kellan (our photography studio) was starting to get picked up on all the major wedding blogs and Filtering Life was growing exponentially on Google analytics……my marriage was withering on the tree of Kelly. My ability to juggle a toddler and infant who were cramping my blogging/photography style were causing me to be a miserable, impatient, STRESSED FREAK BALL. It was madness. We worked seven days a week and never went to bed before midnight. We always bought in to the lie that it would be worth it.

I slowly watched my husband and I drift farther and farther apart in less than three years of marriage. Granted there were other factors involved but when I look at my own part in this thing called “my life” I was trying to find my happiness, worth, and value in the social media arena to compensate for the fact my REAL life was falling apart.

Nothing in our society paints a greater false reality than social media. (soap box alert) Blog comments, Twitter followers, Facebook fanpage followers, Instagram followers, wedding blogs don’t share life with me, they don’t crawl in to bed with me at night, raise my children, pay my bills, pray with me, listen to my heart, etc….you get the picture. It is rubbish…..meaningless…futile. They are false lovers of the worst kind and I was deceived like a chubby girl buying the next diet fad….SENSA anyone? Just sayin…. been there.

And so the straw that broke the camels back came on November 21, 2008 when we lost our third baby to a miscarriage. A baby I didn’t even know was inside of me until it was too late. Chloe had turned two years old weeks before and Bennett was six months old and we just finished a wedding season of 28 weddings while Ryan worked a full time job…..a baby….AGAIN? How in the free world we did anything “marital” during that time is beyond me, not to mention I was about 10 weeks along when we lost the baby thats how distracted I was. We named this child Jory Lee “God will uplift and heal”. (a promise we DESPERATELY needed during that season)

That, my friend, is when the tree split…..right down the middle. That was when I saw the choice. We could splint our tree together and nurse it back to health, cut off those fat branches of my blog and our business….. or it was time to go our separate ways in life. I no longer had a husband/best friend. I had a roommate and quasi-business partner when we were speaking. We had created a life and family and it was fractured….badly. Now, more than ever, mourning the loss of our precious baby I NEEDED my husband. Jory was the wake up call we needed to see that if we kept up at this pace we were done. Its hard and it’s humbling to admit to one another that you have ROYALLY screwed things up and that we needed REAL help in our lives. Our attempts to be GREAT were really paying off were they not?

We needed help, we needed to learn a word that would save our marriage and our hearts….”NO”. We needed to buckle down and repair our tree. I needed to extract the two measurable things in my life that gave me a sense of “you are not wasting your day” and let them go. I’m a stay at home mom…..I get it. I’ve yet to have my kids give me the slow clap after I have wiped their butts, put away their laundry, clean up their toys for the billionth time that day or when I humbly bend over to clean up the spilled milk from the cereal bowl that was chucked across the table. Immeasurable servitude of the most thankless kind. Oh how I was missing out on what this season of my life was really about. There is so much precious in the hard.

Letting go of my blog and us TOTALLY cutting Kellan in half (our main source of income mind you!) was only the first step in obedience. It was like cutting off those big FAT branches so the trunk of the tree could stabilize and rest. We began marriage counseling with our pastor (GOD LOVE YA MARK!) and began working through the pain and hurt that we had caused each other. WE TOOK A MASSIVE leap of faith in our finances by cutting Kellan. We still had a tremendous amount of debt in our lives. We fought for our marriage, we put God first, our family next. We went against the grain of society that says when marriage gets hard, when you aren’t “feeling” love or loved then flash up your fingers in a giant peace sign and head out and try again elsewhere. Let me tell you, it was very tempting. (I am oversimplifying, there are many circumstances surrounding divorce)

You may have noticed the title of this blog, “The Good Trees”. Trees have always fascinated me. I don’t know why, I really don’t…I just think they are beautiful. I grew up in Michigan and upstate New York so I was blessed to always experience all four seasons. Trees seem to show the most tangible signs of each season. When we moved to our dream “fixer upper” a year and a half ago we got 2.5 acres of land. I’d say at least two of those acres are pines. Pines are my favorite. We also have a billion windows in our house (that my kids have beautifully decorated with their greasy fingers and sloppy tongues…not annoying in the least) I love that no matter where I am in my house I am looking at trees. They bring me peace.

In Matthew 7:17-19 it says:

So, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the diseased tree bears bad fruit. A healthy tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a diseased tree bear good fruit.Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire.

Hop on over to Matthew 12:33:

Either make the tree good and its fruit good, or make the tree bad and its fruit bad, for the tree is known by its fruit.

Can I ask you to read those few verses a second time. Can you count for me how many times the Lord uses the word “great”? If I am not mistaken in my counting….I mean I taught special ed math so I am decent at counting….the count would be ZERO. The word is GOOD. Let that word wash all over your mind and heart. It’s good to be good. Good produces good.

I am a self professed perfectionist. I have spent way to many DECADES in self loathing, self defeat, and bitter comparison with others. FOR WHAT???? Because I wasn’t the GREATEST that is why. Greatness is another one of our society’s big, fat lies. How dare you be good at your job, how dare you be a really good mom, wife, friend, sister. Is there anything wrong with “great”? Not in and of itself, but great is hard little bugger to steer. Great puts YOU at the front of YOU and before all others. I’ve decided if I am going to be GREAT at anything, then it is going to be at living, really living in the kingdom of God. Even then…what does the Bible say when we stand before the Lord at the end of our life? What do we want our Maker, our Creator to say to us? “Well done GOOD and faithful servant.” I WANT to bear good fruit in all areas of my life and I’ll be darned if I don’t want my husband and my children to also be bearers of good fruit. I am nearing 38 years old (this is the part where you gasp and say…really…I thought you were like 28 years old…..why thank you I say meekly with a tone of surprise) I feel 40 breathing it’s hot stinky air on my neck and all I can think is “Dear God…I’m JUST starting to get ‘it’, can’t life slow down? I have so much ground to make up for!!! WHY 40 WHY???? WHY oh why have I wasted so much of my life on myself. Ugh….” ( I may be dramatic at times and over use exclamation points. Deal with it!!!!!!!)

We will get in to that a lot more on this blog but I figure I owed you a solid after reading this novel entry to at least explain the title and premise.

You may notice there are four categories I will be blogging under. The good life, good family, good home and good marriage. This blog is about my life, my hobbies, my relationships and my family. I will never apologize that all areas of my life fall under submission (gasp…that word makes so many recoil…how narrow-minded of me….nah) of the Bible. I am a Christ follower…in that it’s a lifestyle baby. I don’t just go to church on a Sunday and check it off my religious duties. Every area of my life, marriage, home and family runs through the filter of Jesus and praise GOD I don’t have to go this life alone. Lord knows my twenties are enough to see that left to my own devices I ROYALLY and UTTERLY mess everything up.

I don’t plan on having regular features like “Tips Tuesday” or “Crafty Friday”. I don’t dare enslave my life to a blog ever again. You choose to come here and read and I pray that you are gracious in my blogging frequency and infrequency should I choose to take blogging breaks. I also need to make one big fat disclaimer. I HAVE ATROCIOUS grammar. I am sure you can see by now that I am a free flow writer. I think it, I write it. I have no clue if an apostrophe or God forbid a semicolon be needed. I hope you find it sweet and endearing instead of annoying and ignorant to which I am sure it is. But I will pretend you don’t secretly judge me.

Thank you all for starting this journey with me. I’m a feeler, your comments really do warm my heart and your vulnerability with me is so appreciated. I can’t promise I can acknowledge every comment but know that they are read and I am extremely empathetic. Your joys and your pains are FELT by me.

I also need to make three gigantic shout outs to the people that helped make this blog possible. First my extremely nerdy and devastatingly handsome husband who designed and programmed this blog. Second, the incredible artwork for my banner was custom painted by the crazy talented Jen Mancier of Tender Branch Studio (did you notice the trees representing our family? Even a little sprout for our sweet Jory) Finally the custom script was done by the amazing and oh so sweet and dear Kathleen Ostrom of Leen Jean Studio. Their links are at the bottom. Thank you all for taking my heart and aesthetic into your minds and hearts and making my blog look SO beautiful! I simply love it.

So I did it Kristie, I just wrote!!!!!!

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